Post by caffrey on Jun 15, 2018 19:09:46 GMT -5
We go to the ring before Sunday’s show, where a young man dressed in standard, boring dress clothes stands in the center. It’s not a wrestler. He looks nervous. Fans are making their way to their seats, the arena is about half full.
William: Hi fans and welcome to tonight’s Sunday Showcase! We have a great lineup for you tonight, but as a special treat, we have the first ever #AskCaffrey!
The crowd begins to boo already.
William: Now now, it should be a great time! Fans have submitted questions on Twitter, and Caffrey is going to answer them for all of you. So please welcome, he is one half of the GWA World Tagteam Champions, Caffrey!
”My Songs Know What You Did in the Dark” plays out over the arena speakers. Caffrey arrives with his GWA World Tagteam Championship around his shoulder. He takes in the booing while wearing his “I Am Unlegend” t-shirt and a pair of dark jeans. He walks down to the ring, steps in, and hands the interviewer a slip of paper. “Read it and try again” is heard out of Caffrey’s mouth before he’s even been handed his microphone by the timekeeper.
William: Excuse me. Please welcome...from the city of Brotherly Love, he is the Match of the Night Machine, the Last Wrestling Artist, you can never shut him up, he is the Sixty Minute Man, he is the Unlegend, and he is one half of your GWA World Tagteam Champions... ANTTTTTHONNNNNY CAFFFFREY!
The crowd boos loudly. Caffrey spits at them before turning his attention.
Caffrey: Better. I make more money when you say my full name.
William: Thanks so much for joining me--
Caffrey: You couldn’t have sprung for a chair for me to sit in?
William: I--uh---
Caffrey: Go get me a chair.
William nods quickly and leaves the ring. The crowd boos Caffrey bullying the young man. The chair is set up. Caffrey doesn’t sit.
William: There you go. Uh… okay, how are you tonight Caffrey?
Caffrey: Who the hell are you? Did you even introduce yourself to the people?
William: I - uh - I forgot. I’m William McDougle.
Caffrey: Don’t tell me, tell them.
William turns to the audience. The crowd is not happy with Caffrey’s stalling or bullying.
William: Hi everyone, I’m William McDougle, and welcome to #AskCaffrey. Our first question, coming from @thesockmonster, is: “What inspired you to get into wrestling?”
Caffrey: Not being terrible at it.
Will looks over at Caffrey, as to give a “Really?” look. Caffrey doesn’t budge.
William: JoeCoffeeCan22 asks, “If you were given a chance to wrestle in a promotion over in Japan, would you take it?”
Caffrey: I’m banned from Japan.
William’s ears pique up.
William: What happened?
Caffrey: Dishonored a guy. Brought dishonor to his whole family, including his cow.
It’s getting clear that Caffrey isn’t taking this seriously. The new guy doesn’t know what to do.
William: Uhm… Luckystring48 asks, “Who would win in a pure wrestling match, you or Dylan Black?”
The crowd pops loudly for the Dylan Black mention.
Caffrey: Who?
William: Dylan Black, one of your partners at Thunderdome, who--
Caffrey: Don’t know him, don’t care
Caffrey flashes his sinister showman smile. He does know, but he’s not letting on.
William: Okay… uh, RagingSenator asks, “Is mayonnaise an instrument?"
The crowd laughs. Caffrey, not amused, walks over and takes William’s microphone.
Caffrey: Get out of my ring. Now.
The crowd boos Caffrey as he urges William to get out of his ring. William exits in a fleeting hurry.
Caffrey: I know I cost A LOT of money to get back into this company, but goddamnit have someone who isn’t green as grass interview me. Now, to bigger things: turn up the volume on your television, and make sure your recording devices work, because I have a bone to pick with a group of assholes called the Round Table.
The crowd cheers loudly for the Round Table mention.
Caffrey: Last Tuesday, a member of the Round Table, or excuse me, the man trying to restart the Round Table, Rockshade--
The crowd also pops very loudly for the mention of the GWA Hall of Famer. Caffrey shoots them a sharp glance.
Caffrey: Rockshade, last Tuesday you marched to this ring, soiling my Match of the Year candidate with that Spanish dragon jackass El Loco Dragon, who I took this beautiful championship from, to berate my world class tag team partner, Armageddon.
The crowd goes back to booing, booing the other World Tagteam Champion.
Caffrey: First off, what the hell gives you the right? You’re trying to bring back the Round Table --- for what? Since I joined the GWA, the Round Table has always played second fiddle. Maybe you don’t remember because it’s been years since GWA had a decent family, but Zero Tolerance was the best family in GWA History. Nick Blade, me -- and that’s a stone cold fact. Your little family over there? Nothing special.
Caffrey: And to what, beat down the Firestarters?
The crowd cheers the idea of beating down the Firestarters.
Caffrey: Newsflash: you should have talked to me! I started the Firestarters. I am the one who poured the gas and lit the matches in GWA’s most controversial segment of all time, I was their leader. I came back for the money and a personal vendetta: to extinguish every last one of those morons because they’re all a giant group of soulless sellouts. I’ve never met a group of men who could sell out their morals faster. I held my end of the bargain, I was gone for almost three years. I turn on the goddamn TV and there’s Hunter Storms, a GWA HALL OF FAMER?
Caffrey is getting going now.
Caffrey: THAT’s why I’m the Unlegend. If the GWA Hall of Fame has become a goddamn participation trophy, you can count me out. No one cares about Hunter Storms. Does anyone ever go, “Hey, remember that Hunter Storms match?” No. Nobody does. Meanwhile over here I turn out classics at a rate of about one per week, the Match of the Night Machine over here, hell people are STILL talking about my classic with Tony Pride three years after the fact. And that asshole, Hunter Storms, is in the Hall of Fame? For what? Selling out his morals? Okay, sure.
Caffrey: Goddamnit, you have no idea how pissed I am that Michael Brewer beat me to the punch and beat Dexter Point within an inch of his life. I wanted to do that!
The crowd boos Caffrey as its loudest so far.
Caffrey: Boohoo, you can’t just put glasses on and be a good guy again! That’s not how this shit works!
Caffrey pulls out a pair of glasses and puts them on.
Caffrey: Yay, I’m a good guy again, cheer me!
The crowd boos loudly.
Caffrey: Give me a goddamn break.
Caffrey takes the glasses off and steps on them.
Caffrey: I’m not even going to talk about Mike Lio because he brings more embarrassment to Philadelphia than Gabe Kapler. Someone has to inform me, did he get relevant in my three years away? Did he ever stop sucking? Or no? I have a feeling it’s no.
The crowd boo again.
Caffrey: I come back to this company and it’s like Bizarro Land. Everyone in this company is afraid of this. It’s a microphone, you talk into it. No idea why no one talks anymore, as long as people aren’t brain-dead like when they voted for Apokalupsis over me, I’ve got Spokesman of the Year already in the bag.
Caffrey: And those who are talking, they don’t have shit to say. I swear to God everyone in this company nowadays is fat or foreign. Get some translators in here, goddamnit. You know, I had to do some digging, but you know what I found? A great wrestler who was highly underrated. Highly overlooked, even. Nobody EVER walked into the arena and said “Hey, I wanna wrestle this guy.” For Christ’s sake GWA officials had him doing COMMENTARY as if he was a washed-up has-been for God’s sakes. The man is a former World Champion. Rockshade, you want to yell at Armageddon for choosing me over you? What did you do for him? Nothing! Did you manage him in a match, like ever? No. You’re one half of the people I stole the ankle lock from, did you ever teach him anything? No. Any cool moves? No. Did you tell him that he shouldn’t waste his time trying to educate these hopeless masses by doing commentary? Hell no!
The crowd boos Caffrey loudly.
Caffrey: You saw him, you saw his obsessive wrestling ability, and you wanted to use him as your personal freak for a pet project in a desperate power struggle. Screw you, Rockshade. I’ve taken him to the top in a week and I’m gonna get him back into World title contention.
Caffrey: Screw the rest of the Round Table too. Max, you started offering people a shitton of money to go ten minutes with you, two days after the Sixty Minute Man let you beat him. If you had put up that money then, I would have kicked your ass left right and sideways. See, you big fatasses don’t know how to wrestle. Yeah, you, Doomtrain, and the Killer - goddamn one of my first nights back I would have won the International title and completed my Triple Crown if Killer didn’t have a ball-kicking fetish -- don’t know how to wrestle. All of you. You all are an embarrassment to a WRESTLING ARTIST like ME!
Caffrey has a crazed look in his eye. He takes a deep breath as the booing dies down.
Caffrey: I miss the days where people actually wanted to take on the competition. Now everyone just sits on their asses in the back in little bitchcircles about how this guy is this, or this guy’s that, how they don't wanna lose. It's wrestling. No one wants to get their ass kicked, it just happens from time to time. It’s no wonder that Faith Dunkarino doesn’t want to be associated with any of you losers right now.
The crowd pops for the former World Champion. At this point, any enemy of Caffrey seems to be getting cheered.
Caffrey: Faith and I go way back, but if there’s one thing that’s always been true in our history, it’s that I’ve always been better than her. So Rockshade, when she finally makes herself available again -- she can Reach Out and kiss my ass. You can too, bud. You want to yell at Armageddon for having the balls to achieve, you want to be just like the rest of these jealous losers in the audience, that’s fine -- but -- as the man who has Armageddon’s best interests at heart...
Caffrey smiles his sinister, showman smile. He has something up his sleeve, but what?
Caffrey: ...I’ll give it to you very clear: You come again for Armaggedon, I swear to God you’ll get a reckoning.
Caffrey drops the microphone and holds up the GWA World Tagteam Championship as he begins making his way to the back. The booing continues to pour in as he exits.
William: Hi fans and welcome to tonight’s Sunday Showcase! We have a great lineup for you tonight, but as a special treat, we have the first ever #AskCaffrey!
The crowd begins to boo already.
William: Now now, it should be a great time! Fans have submitted questions on Twitter, and Caffrey is going to answer them for all of you. So please welcome, he is one half of the GWA World Tagteam Champions, Caffrey!
”My Songs Know What You Did in the Dark” plays out over the arena speakers. Caffrey arrives with his GWA World Tagteam Championship around his shoulder. He takes in the booing while wearing his “I Am Unlegend” t-shirt and a pair of dark jeans. He walks down to the ring, steps in, and hands the interviewer a slip of paper. “Read it and try again” is heard out of Caffrey’s mouth before he’s even been handed his microphone by the timekeeper.
William: Excuse me. Please welcome...from the city of Brotherly Love, he is the Match of the Night Machine, the Last Wrestling Artist, you can never shut him up, he is the Sixty Minute Man, he is the Unlegend, and he is one half of your GWA World Tagteam Champions... ANTTTTTHONNNNNY CAFFFFREY!
The crowd boos loudly. Caffrey spits at them before turning his attention.
Caffrey: Better. I make more money when you say my full name.
William: Thanks so much for joining me--
Caffrey: You couldn’t have sprung for a chair for me to sit in?
William: I--uh---
Caffrey: Go get me a chair.
William nods quickly and leaves the ring. The crowd boos Caffrey bullying the young man. The chair is set up. Caffrey doesn’t sit.
William: There you go. Uh… okay, how are you tonight Caffrey?
Caffrey: Who the hell are you? Did you even introduce yourself to the people?
William: I - uh - I forgot. I’m William McDougle.
Caffrey: Don’t tell me, tell them.
William turns to the audience. The crowd is not happy with Caffrey’s stalling or bullying.
William: Hi everyone, I’m William McDougle, and welcome to #AskCaffrey. Our first question, coming from @thesockmonster, is: “What inspired you to get into wrestling?”
Caffrey: Not being terrible at it.
Will looks over at Caffrey, as to give a “Really?” look. Caffrey doesn’t budge.
William: JoeCoffeeCan22 asks, “If you were given a chance to wrestle in a promotion over in Japan, would you take it?”
Caffrey: I’m banned from Japan.
William’s ears pique up.
William: What happened?
Caffrey: Dishonored a guy. Brought dishonor to his whole family, including his cow.
It’s getting clear that Caffrey isn’t taking this seriously. The new guy doesn’t know what to do.
William: Uhm… Luckystring48 asks, “Who would win in a pure wrestling match, you or Dylan Black?”
The crowd pops loudly for the Dylan Black mention.
Caffrey: Who?
William: Dylan Black, one of your partners at Thunderdome, who--
Caffrey: Don’t know him, don’t care
Caffrey flashes his sinister showman smile. He does know, but he’s not letting on.
William: Okay… uh, RagingSenator asks, “Is mayonnaise an instrument?"
The crowd laughs. Caffrey, not amused, walks over and takes William’s microphone.
Caffrey: Get out of my ring. Now.
The crowd boos Caffrey as he urges William to get out of his ring. William exits in a fleeting hurry.
Caffrey: I know I cost A LOT of money to get back into this company, but goddamnit have someone who isn’t green as grass interview me. Now, to bigger things: turn up the volume on your television, and make sure your recording devices work, because I have a bone to pick with a group of assholes called the Round Table.
The crowd cheers loudly for the Round Table mention.
Caffrey: Last Tuesday, a member of the Round Table, or excuse me, the man trying to restart the Round Table, Rockshade--
The crowd also pops very loudly for the mention of the GWA Hall of Famer. Caffrey shoots them a sharp glance.
Caffrey: Rockshade, last Tuesday you marched to this ring, soiling my Match of the Year candidate with that Spanish dragon jackass El Loco Dragon, who I took this beautiful championship from, to berate my world class tag team partner, Armageddon.
The crowd goes back to booing, booing the other World Tagteam Champion.
Caffrey: First off, what the hell gives you the right? You’re trying to bring back the Round Table --- for what? Since I joined the GWA, the Round Table has always played second fiddle. Maybe you don’t remember because it’s been years since GWA had a decent family, but Zero Tolerance was the best family in GWA History. Nick Blade, me -- and that’s a stone cold fact. Your little family over there? Nothing special.
Caffrey: And to what, beat down the Firestarters?
The crowd cheers the idea of beating down the Firestarters.
Caffrey: Newsflash: you should have talked to me! I started the Firestarters. I am the one who poured the gas and lit the matches in GWA’s most controversial segment of all time, I was their leader. I came back for the money and a personal vendetta: to extinguish every last one of those morons because they’re all a giant group of soulless sellouts. I’ve never met a group of men who could sell out their morals faster. I held my end of the bargain, I was gone for almost three years. I turn on the goddamn TV and there’s Hunter Storms, a GWA HALL OF FAMER?
Caffrey is getting going now.
Caffrey: THAT’s why I’m the Unlegend. If the GWA Hall of Fame has become a goddamn participation trophy, you can count me out. No one cares about Hunter Storms. Does anyone ever go, “Hey, remember that Hunter Storms match?” No. Nobody does. Meanwhile over here I turn out classics at a rate of about one per week, the Match of the Night Machine over here, hell people are STILL talking about my classic with Tony Pride three years after the fact. And that asshole, Hunter Storms, is in the Hall of Fame? For what? Selling out his morals? Okay, sure.
Caffrey: Goddamnit, you have no idea how pissed I am that Michael Brewer beat me to the punch and beat Dexter Point within an inch of his life. I wanted to do that!
The crowd boos Caffrey as its loudest so far.
Caffrey: Boohoo, you can’t just put glasses on and be a good guy again! That’s not how this shit works!
Caffrey pulls out a pair of glasses and puts them on.
Caffrey: Yay, I’m a good guy again, cheer me!
The crowd boos loudly.
Caffrey: Give me a goddamn break.
Caffrey takes the glasses off and steps on them.
Caffrey: I’m not even going to talk about Mike Lio because he brings more embarrassment to Philadelphia than Gabe Kapler. Someone has to inform me, did he get relevant in my three years away? Did he ever stop sucking? Or no? I have a feeling it’s no.
The crowd boo again.
Caffrey: I come back to this company and it’s like Bizarro Land. Everyone in this company is afraid of this. It’s a microphone, you talk into it. No idea why no one talks anymore, as long as people aren’t brain-dead like when they voted for Apokalupsis over me, I’ve got Spokesman of the Year already in the bag.
Caffrey: And those who are talking, they don’t have shit to say. I swear to God everyone in this company nowadays is fat or foreign. Get some translators in here, goddamnit. You know, I had to do some digging, but you know what I found? A great wrestler who was highly underrated. Highly overlooked, even. Nobody EVER walked into the arena and said “Hey, I wanna wrestle this guy.” For Christ’s sake GWA officials had him doing COMMENTARY as if he was a washed-up has-been for God’s sakes. The man is a former World Champion. Rockshade, you want to yell at Armageddon for choosing me over you? What did you do for him? Nothing! Did you manage him in a match, like ever? No. You’re one half of the people I stole the ankle lock from, did you ever teach him anything? No. Any cool moves? No. Did you tell him that he shouldn’t waste his time trying to educate these hopeless masses by doing commentary? Hell no!
The crowd boos Caffrey loudly.
Caffrey: You saw him, you saw his obsessive wrestling ability, and you wanted to use him as your personal freak for a pet project in a desperate power struggle. Screw you, Rockshade. I’ve taken him to the top in a week and I’m gonna get him back into World title contention.
Caffrey: Screw the rest of the Round Table too. Max, you started offering people a shitton of money to go ten minutes with you, two days after the Sixty Minute Man let you beat him. If you had put up that money then, I would have kicked your ass left right and sideways. See, you big fatasses don’t know how to wrestle. Yeah, you, Doomtrain, and the Killer - goddamn one of my first nights back I would have won the International title and completed my Triple Crown if Killer didn’t have a ball-kicking fetish -- don’t know how to wrestle. All of you. You all are an embarrassment to a WRESTLING ARTIST like ME!
Caffrey has a crazed look in his eye. He takes a deep breath as the booing dies down.
Caffrey: I miss the days where people actually wanted to take on the competition. Now everyone just sits on their asses in the back in little bitchcircles about how this guy is this, or this guy’s that, how they don't wanna lose. It's wrestling. No one wants to get their ass kicked, it just happens from time to time. It’s no wonder that Faith Dunkarino doesn’t want to be associated with any of you losers right now.
The crowd pops for the former World Champion. At this point, any enemy of Caffrey seems to be getting cheered.
Caffrey: Faith and I go way back, but if there’s one thing that’s always been true in our history, it’s that I’ve always been better than her. So Rockshade, when she finally makes herself available again -- she can Reach Out and kiss my ass. You can too, bud. You want to yell at Armageddon for having the balls to achieve, you want to be just like the rest of these jealous losers in the audience, that’s fine -- but -- as the man who has Armageddon’s best interests at heart...
Caffrey smiles his sinister, showman smile. He has something up his sleeve, but what?
Caffrey: ...I’ll give it to you very clear: You come again for Armaggedon, I swear to God you’ll get a reckoning.
Caffrey drops the microphone and holds up the GWA World Tagteam Championship as he begins making his way to the back. The booing continues to pour in as he exits.
